Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
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One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza