“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
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They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”