Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
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This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I鈥檓 going in myself.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn鈥檛 my notes app
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn鈥檛 because this isn鈥檛 the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sl谩inte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 馃檪
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Yup
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
The closest thing I鈥檝e had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet