Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
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“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy