Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
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Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.