“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
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[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.