Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
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Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I’ve been drinking.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone