Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
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robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.