Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
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*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Shoo shoo! 😂
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Happy Caturday!
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.