@LostFelicia
@CraigChamberlin Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
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@CraigChamberlin 
@Andysimpson74 Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
@noog Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
@Erik_Bergstrom Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
@JulieSnark Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
@torrami Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
@Tw1tter_K1tten My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
@Shut_up_Marissa In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
@Book_Krazy Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
@edgarrants The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.