@LostFelicia

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

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@CraigChamberlin

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

@Andysimpson74

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

@noog

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

@JulieSnark

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

@torrami

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

@Shut_up_Marissa

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

@Book_Krazy

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

@edgarrants

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.