Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
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Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
A leaf blower, but for people.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.