Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
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Cool shirt 🙂
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
choose your gary
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.