Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
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Home is where your toilet is.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
But is it really??
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
mumsnet is amazing
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.