Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
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My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.