Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
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Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.