Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
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Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
What about second breakfast?
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
The struggle is real
good work, everybody
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Bit chilly again tonight.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*