Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
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you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.