Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
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Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.