Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
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[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.