Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
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Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them