Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
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Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
knights of the ikea table
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?