SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
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If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”