Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
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Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati