Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right