Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
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[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
My whole life was a lie.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.