@GrumpyBahr

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

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@McSwtrvst

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

@jwoodham

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

@ElgatoEsmio

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

@krishna_van

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

@sexncake

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

@josh___grant

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

@pleatedjeans

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

@Discourt

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.