Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.