Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
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The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.