Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Breaking news:
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
This bar smells like my childhood.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle