Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
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A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence