Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.