Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
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My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.