@GingerHotDish

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

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@dafloydsta

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

@noog

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

@Ygrene

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

@DurtMcHurtt

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

@sofarrsogud

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

@murrman5

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

@prufrockluvsong

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

@Fickle_Filly

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

@sarcasticmommy4

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.