@dafloydsta ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
@GingerHotDish Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
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@dafloydsta 
@noog Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
@Ygrene [squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
@DurtMcHurtt Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
@sofarrsogud Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
@murrman5 sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
@prufrockluvsong [bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
@Robert_Beau I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
@Fickle_Filly A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
@sarcasticmommy4 A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.