Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

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Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man


“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.


[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is


Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.


Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.


I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.


WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on


I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters


Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.