Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
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“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.