‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
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If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.