Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.

I love being a postman.

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

being a writer on Twitter:

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs