Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
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Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
This is sending me to another galaxy
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.