Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
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If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I’m going to need a moment here.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.