Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
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[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
i now pronounce you bounced.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL