sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
You Might Also Like
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I love twitter
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Oh. My. God.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves