Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
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A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Effort made
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.