Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
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Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I am, perchance
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!