Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
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My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Me: I鈥檒l have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I鈥檓 sorry, sir. It鈥檚 after Labor Day.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it鈥檚 meant to be
me: I think you鈥檙e cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I鈥檓 snack mom for my daughter鈥檚 game and she said why don鈥檛 you just make them and I said I鈥檓 sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Me: *doesn鈥檛 laugh at friend鈥檚 story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
we all know this pain all too well
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
can we normalize arguing with little kids they鈥檙e so rude 馃槶
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 馃槝 You got this 馃挭
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,