Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
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Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Phones down.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.