Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
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Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Catering service
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty