Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
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Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I beg your pardon?
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”