Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
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When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
A dad and his duck
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”