Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
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[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
every single time
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe