Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
You Might Also Like
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
If you love someone, let them tweet.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.