SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
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[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.