Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
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Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
catch me on valentine’s day like
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”