Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
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The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves