Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
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Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.